The tech view from terminal K

Chicago O’Hare.

The very mention of the airport makes the most hardened traveler’s heart skip a beat, makes a travel agent roll his or her eyes in frustration, and makes a veteran flight crew recoil with dread (particularly if they’re employed by United Airlines).

The Midwestern hub is widely considered every traveler’s worst nightmare. Crowded, congested and inconvenient, ORD might well have inspired Dante Alighieri’s 1314 work Inferno to hear some road warriors talk about it. Of course, there’d have to be a tenth circle of hell – somewhere between “limbo” and “the fraudulent and malicious” – to accommodate the world’s busiest airport.

Today, I am one of 180,000 passengers who is stuck here, in travel hell. I’m the guy at gate K18 with the PowerBook on his lap and the Sprint cellphone balanced on the armrest. And, I am not happy.

It isn’t the golf cart that nearly flattened me on my mile-long hike from the “G” terminal, or the surly gate agent with “I-can’t-help-you” look on her face. It’s the technology amenities – or should I say, the lack of technology amenities – that’s short-circuiting this air traveler.

Yeah, I know. I should follow Joe Brancatelli’s advice and get one of those hoity-toity charge cards that opens the door to every airport lounge, where guests can find a power outlet and dataport and all the beer they can drink.

But I don’t travel enough to make switching plastic worthwhile. And besides, shouldn’t the airports adapt to the changing needs of passengers, instead of us having to join a country club for frequent travelers? Apparently not. Here’s what the view from Terminal K looks like – and why I don’t like it.

No power. Most laptop batteries give you four hours worth of power, tops. Cell phone power supplies last anywhere from one hour to three, depending on the type of connection you’re making. After that, you need to find a plug. Pray that you’re not in Terminal K, because even if you spot one of the well-hidden outlets in the wall or protruding from the carpet, chances are that it’s already spoken for. Electricity is like air for the business traveler. Without it, our productivity declines and then grinds to an unceremonious halt. What’s that, switch to paper and pen? Not in this century.

No ‘Net. Internet kiosks used to be all the rage at airports. Where are they now? Apparently not at this terminal – and if they are, I can’t find them. I might even settle for a phone that’s at waist-level, where I might use my acoustic coupler to make a calling-card call. No can do. As a sidenote, I’ve been following the evolution of the so-called kiosks for a while now. And, I don’t think I’m going out on a limb by saying that the reason they aren’t here is that no one’s been able to figure out how to make money on them. Business travelers view the Internet as a utility, not unlike water or electricity, that should be cheap or free.

No Phone. Sure, there are plenty of payphones in Terminal K, but using my digital cellular phone isn’t so simple. On the far end of the building it’s easier to make a connection. Wander toward the main terminal for a bite to eat, and connecting to an antenna becomes more difficult. I’ve already written about the conspiracy theories that airlines and the federal government are trying to limit wireless access at airports. However, in Chicago’s case it’s probably either a matter of too many users trying to connect to the same antenna or the buildings blocking the signal. I don’t think the government, or the airlines are organized enough to stop my calls.

No quiet. Although this isn’t a technological amenity, per se, peace and quiet is a key ingredient to making my layover productive. As I sit here, there’s an infant in the seat behind me giving his lungs a workout. The ever-present CNN Airport Network is humming on a television screen next to me. I would move, but then where would I plug in my laptop? Don’t get me wrong – babies have the same rights to Terminal K (or any other terminal) as the rest of us – but that doesn’t mean we have to sit together. CNN’s right to install its TV screens everywhere it wants is more questionable.

Here’s one possible solution to Terminal K’s shortcomings. Airports in the United States already offer smoking lounges (the notable exception being Las Vegas, where the entire airport is unofficially designated “smoking”), so why not take it a step further? Why not create “quiet” areas for people to work, read, meditate or do whatever they do before boarding a plane?

I think that somewhere between a for-profit business center offered at a hotel and the airport lounges for frequent fliers lies the solution to my Terminal K conundrum. Business travelers need a quiet place where they can easily access the Internet, phone and electricity. It might even be nice if the airport would throw in a coffee machine, a few printers and a guy who knows how to troubleshoot buggy computers and gadgets – for which we’d be more than willing to pay a little extra.

Will it ever happen? Probably not. Like their predecessors, the newest airports like Ontario International Airport and Denver International Airport were built with one thing in mind: herd passengers to their next flight or contain them in a waiting area until their outbound flight leaves. Road warriors, who are prisoners of the airlines’ hub-and-spoke system, have no choice but to endure these holding pens for hours upon hours while they wait for their connections. I’ve got a feeling that things will get a lot worse before they get better.

What do you think of the tech amenities at airport terminals? Are there any airports that are more accommodating to the needs of frequent travelers? Are there any you’ve blacklisted?

Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.

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