Totally useless travel gifts

For every one useful travel gadget introduced in 1997, there were at least 10 completely frivolous toys marketed to unsuspecting business travelers. Maybe you’ve seen these contraptions for sale in an in-flight catalog. Or snickered at them in a crowded airport shop. Worse still, it’s possible there’s one from a well-meaning relative, wrapped and waiting for you this holiday.

Like it or not, the SkyMalls of the world are filled with toys that are about as useful to the road warrior as a Hula Hoop in the back of crowded 747.

Here’s a roundup of some of this year’s most dubious offerings:

Imagine how you’ll look in the fetching CheeseHeadphones. The yellow foam that fits around the ears of these stereo headphones actually looks like Swiss cheese. I’m not making this up.

“Wear them on your next business flight and you’ll meet every Packers or Badgers fan on the plane,” promises Steve Thompson, a spokesman for Koss, the Milwaukee, Wis., manufacturer. This assumes, of course, that these are acquaintances you’d like to make. Price: about $25.

Koss makes a more discreet and useful corporate travel device, the Koss QuietZone noise-canceling headphone, which cuts out a lot of the engine noise on flights.

The $200 device is great for concentrating on work while you’re awake, but don’t try to sleep in it; it pinches your ears and it’s kind of tough to rest your head on a pillow with those things on. Earplugs and three blankets are a much more effective way to get some shut-eye on long flights. That, and an upgrade.

If you thought the ersatz fromage was a little over-the-top, consider our next item. Ever get that feeling-just as you’re taking the last bite of your plastic-wrapped airline dinner-that you’ve gained a few extra pounds on a trip?

Here’s how to remove all doubt. The Body Logic is a hand-held contraption made by Vernon Hills, Ill.-based Omron Healthcare that uses electrodes to measure your fatty tissue.

Enter your height, weight, age and gender, then plug yourself in and presto, you’ve got an instant body-fat reading. It used to take a water tank and a professional to take those kinds of measurements, but now you can do it for as little as $149. Isn’t technology great?

For those who prefer low-tech frivolity, consider the petSac, a soft, folding water bowl for your cat or dog that attaches to a water bottle carrier.

“People who travel with their pets end up either forgetting that their pets are as thirsty as they are or trying to give them water with their hands,” explains Saramae Teich, president of thermoSac, the Phoenix, Ariz. developer of these portable pet accessories.

Do corporate travelers need this? “Absolutely,” says Teich. “I know of lots of business travelers who travel with pets.”

ThermoSac also offers a velcro pocket accessory called a leashSac with two compartments-one to hold doggie poop, the other for your wallet. Let’s hope you never get the two confused. The petSac and leashSac retail for $14 and $12, respectively.

My nomination for the most outrageous toy for corporate travelers in 1997? The About watch, no question about it. People want to simplify their lives, and that goes double for road warriors. So the folks at Orem, Utah-based About Inc. did just that-by removing the minute hand of their $75 diver’s watch.

You read correctly. The About watch has only one hand. “It’s actually very functional,” says Laura Kvinge, a company spokeswoman. About’s philosophy: “Because life is about more than a minute hand.”

Moreover, Kvinge assures, “You can estimate the time to about five minutes.”

Try telling that to the gate agents when you arrive late for your next flight.

Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.

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