The Transportation Security Administration doesn’t like pie in the sky. We kinda suspected that after the low-rated government agency issued new guidelines on food items that could be brought onboard. Now comes a firsthand report of TSA sillyness that, if nothing else, will make you laugh out loud.
It comes by way of Jessica Bruder, a writer for the Portland Oregonian who flew to Illinois over the Thanksgiving holiday and almost had her apple pie confiscated by a federal screener.
After putting her dish through the conveyor belt, the interrogation began:
“Are you the pie lady?” the agent demanded.
Standing there in orange polka-dot socks, jeans inching down my hips, I nodded soberly. He indicated we’d have more to talk about on the far side of the metal detector.
When my pie emerged, the questions began.
“What kind of pie is that?” He squinted at the pan.
“Apple. With some raspberries.”
“Does it have lumps?”
I glanced at the crust, which was black in places and looked like a topographical rendering of the Himalayas. (To think I was trying to impress my boyfriend’s parents in Illinois with this thing.)
Why is the TSA down on holiday pies? Turns out it some pies are, indeed, “dangerous,” according to her agent.
He told me he was keeping watch for pies with cream and custard fillings. Anything that could be construed as a “gel.” He’d already turned away a pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin pie filling, he confided, “has the same consistency as certain plastic explosives.”
Have the terrorists begun baking combustible pies? I doubt it.
Rather, I think the agency is putting on a show for travelers who fly only once or twice a year. The message: the $4.7 billion of taxpayer money is being well spent to protect you.
From exploding pies.
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Benjamin Franklin said it best: “Those who are willing to surrender their freedoms for government protection deserve neither.”
Over-reacting does nothing but desensitize the general public. Nobody will take threats on this country seriously if the attempts to secure us and our land are so outlandish they’re comical.
Exploding pies. Really?
Last time I flew my daughter and I had but one carryon. We got pulled over for additional screening because of contraband. Oh my, I thought, I forgot that my 42″ metal circular knitting needles were in my bag! Silly me, we had put both our quart bags of toiletries in the same carryon. We had 2 bags. The metal needles weren’t mentioned. Lord knows we had 2 tubes of toothpaste between us, but hey, my knitting remained unscathed. I reminded myself of this insanity as I got extra pat downs.
Exactly! We know NOTHING about the TSA because the same old TSA, yes, the arrogant no-good-excuse-for-wasted-taxpayer-money agency created by the government, doesn’t allow inquiring public to know more about the inner works of it. How about some accountability, people? How about a better explanation on why more than 3.4 ounces of WATER should not be carrried on-board? How about getting rid of idiot TSOs and only keep the professional ones? Like “Explosives SME”, who I’m sure gets a kick out of keeping pumpkin pies for he and his buddies for lunch break time! Maybe Obama should go undecover and pass thru security…I wonder how he’d be treated!
@ Stephanie: Well said. I couldn’t agree more.
If anyone wants to see the TSA at it’s best, fly through Albuquerque (NM). Every time I fly out of there, I encounter the rudest, dumbest, pushiest, and power-tripping TSA people. JFK comes in a close second, but perhaps that’s to be expected.
I cringe at the thought of my tax dollars funding the TSA. I feel no safer now with all of the ridiculous rules than I did before they were all implemented.
Believe it or not, I actually saw a GOOD TSA crew a few months back…Coming out of San Antonio I was amazed these guys & girls were uniformly polite & explaining stuff to the passengers.
Now Dulles is another matter…
While traveling on my military dependent ID I used the bag that also served as my lunch/breast pump bag to take these things to work. The TSA agents went nuts over a FRUIT CUP. Clearly labeled DOLE. Clearly with fruit cocktail in it. I explained the bag was my lunch bag and I had forgotten that a fruit cup was in the side pouch on the outside of the bag (typically used for cell phones or a bottle.) I offered immediately to throw it away, as I had NO idea how long it had been in the side of my bag. Nope, that wouldn’t work, they had to call a supervisor. I was not allowed to touch my belongings at this time, meaning I was standing there in my socks and t-shirt with my laptop, cameras, ipod, and other valuables sitting out in the open. Supervisor comes, starts to lecture me. I again explain I forgot it was there, it is my lunch bag, and that I wish to throw it away. After talking to some one on the radio!!!! she gives me my fruit cup back, which I promptly and in front of them throw into the rather large trash can.
All this for a fruit cup.
Trust me, I felt Oh SO Safe after that little bit of security theater.
What’s more American than attacking apple pie? Nothing.
After reading the stories above about TSA and having dealt first hand with TSA, FEMA and three other government agencies, all I can say is, personnel at all of them have competency “issues”. I have lost all faith in the federal government managing anything effectively, much less efficiently. Perhaps George Will was right when he said that the last truly successful government program was WWII.
This is the same government that can’t run the post office, can’t run home security, and now they want to run our health care…we are in big, big trouble…
I was told by a TSA agent that I could not bring the stone that I had picked up at the beach as a souvenir in my hand luggage. I could only throw it away or check it in because it could be used as a weapon in the aircraft. The stone was about the size, shape and weight of a hamburger patty. In the same hand luggage I had my camera with tele zoom lens on, weighing about 2 and a half lbs. Yes, I agree, with a lot of phantasy and force even a stone from the beach can be use as a weapon, but which thing could not be used as a weapon, even with a pillow or with headphones you can suffocate somebody.
What about dentures? What if granny goes for the jugular? Even stark naked, there are numerous ways to kill somebody. Will we have to rope passengers to their seats, with a guard on each of them to achieve security? And remember-no pie fights.
I just flew from San Diego to Indy, then back again to San Diego. While I had no exploding pies, I did have a fresh experience with the body scanners, which they installed in Indianapolis before last Christmas.
-I flew months before last Christmas, walked through the metal detector and went through “normal” security. (NO pat-down!)
-I flew days after the Christmas incident in 09, Indianapolis now had the body scanners, and was lightly patted down when I refused to go through it. (They were still new, many people refused so an easy pat-down as they were introduced?)
-I flew yesterday, and asked to go through the “normal” screening. Indianapolis nearly gave me my yearly Pap Smear since I refused to go through the body scanner. (No incident days before as with Christmas, yet an insanely thorough pat down?)
It seems clear to me that, at least at Indianapolis, they seem to want to make the “normal” screening so invasive that the people feel no other choice but to go through the body scanners. What choice do people have then? Do I give up flying into/out of Indianapolis, since I’ve not had this problem at other airports? When other airports join the “make it as invasive as possible” club, what then?
I seriously feel there is no recourse for the average flier here… I don’t fly for business, but I MUST fly, as I live 2,000 miles from my family for military duty reasons. Flying is no longer an option for many nowadays, so what do we do when we don’t want to be pumped for milk by the TSA? This sort of thing makes a pie issue seem small, even for how absurd that still is…
Everyone complains about the TSA until someone like a shoebomber or the underwear bomber shows up. Then we complain that they aren’t doing enough!
Go with the flow! What’s a little inconvenience for a safe flight.
There’s always Amtrack :)
@ Marco
You seem to forget that even in the case of the alleged shoe bomber or underpants bomber, The Stupid A——- STILL didn’t do anything. It was the other passengers and flight attendants who reacted. Nobody stopped them from boarding. Also in the case of the underpants bomber, the flight originated in AMSTERDAM, remember? As far as I know, the Netherlands is NOT a US state, The Stupid A——- have no jurisdiction there.
TSA exists only for one reason. To fraudulently divert billions of dollars in tax money directly into the pockets of corrupt private contractors while providing nothing more than the ILLUSION of security. They couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if there were instructions written on the side. They’re nothing but overpaid shopping mall security guards, and probably couldn’t even handle that job.
BTW, I do take Amtrak, because I’m usually not in that big a hurry, but sometimes you can’t avoid the airlines, as much as they suck.
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