You wanna see my frequent flier card? I’ve got your frequent flier card right here.
But this is no ordinary card.
This one comes to us courtesy of the folks at Burton, whose Sleeper Hoodie I’m evaluating for an upcoming gift guide.
The disclaimer on backside is revealing …
This card entitles holder with the right to do whatever it takes to make their next flight more enjoyable.
Feel free to slap the beached walrus in the seat next to you when their blubber encroaches on your personal space.
Carry your board bag on the overhead bins.
Release gas at will.
Fall asleep in the aisle.
Call the snow report for Mars from the in-flight phone. Perform in the bathroom. Remain reclined throughout the take-off and landing procedures.
Demand a flight attendant spoon feed and massage you.
Tell that screaming baby to put a sock in it.
Basically, with this card you have carte blanche to be a complete d-bag in the name of personal comfort.
Alright, then.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering who to blame …
Card issued by Burton Airlines, for questions or comment, call someone who cares.
These bogus frequent flier cards (“Untied Airlines” and references to Catch Me If You Can inspiration Frank Abagnale notwithstanding) reflect a broader truth among airline passengers.
We’re so disgusted with the air travel experience that we want to enclose ourselves in one of Burton’s hooded sweatshirts and flash one of these cards when the going gets tough.
It shouldn’t be this way.
Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.
Elliott is consumer advocate 
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