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Travel Gifts Gone Awry
The Travel Critic · December 14, 1999

It's that time of year again - time to unwrap and expose the season's most ridiculous travel gifts.

This year, the competition is tighter than ever. Here are the four finalists. Check them out and cast your vote.

Sherpa On Wheels, billed as the most comfortable and stylish way to fly with your pet. Your pooch will be on a roll with this $130 carrier that features, among other things, recessed wheels "for smooth, quiet, steady motion" and roll-up flaps on three sides for ventilation and privacy.

Pets don't belong on planes. Period. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Taking Fido on vacation is a bad idea. Stories about frightened animals escaping from their carry-on kennels and terrorizing other passengers abound. So do tales of pets getting frozen or baked in cargo holds. Use products like the Sherpa to take your dog or cat for a drag in the neighborhood, but for cryin' out loud, don't fly with them.

Naturopathica's Herbal Remedy Travel Kit, which contains "everything you and need to ensure a safe trip naturally." The $65 package includes vials of Valerian Tincture ("highly effective as an aid to sleep and also helps to treat anxiety and nervous conditions"); Echinacea Tincture ("strengthens the body's immune system"); Lavender Hydrolat, Cedar Energizing Bath Oil, Ravensara and Ginger Soothing Chest Balm.

What I need to ensure a safe trip naturally is a competent pilot, plus reasonably attentive FAA inspectors and air traffic controllers. If my plane's going down, this herbal kit ain't gonna help. It's also worth noting the vials of traveling elixir appear to be made of glass. I don't even have to tell you what can happen to anything made of glass when it's tossed around, as luggage tends to be. Not only is the Herbal Remedy Travel Kit ill-conceived, but it could make for a less than safe trip.

PopWall.com's inflatable Christmas Trees, available in green, white, purple and blue, are advertised as "the perfect item" for travelers who have to be away from home during the holiday season. "These trees can make any hotel room merry for the holiday season and because they are inflatable they are perfect for those traveling - just deflate, pack and go." Available in sizes large (4 feet) and extra-large (6 feet), the blow-ups cost $19.99 and $29.99, respectively.

Look, it's bad enough to be traveling during the holidays, but do we have to remind ourselves of this miserable fact by bringing along an inflatable ornament? There's nothing worse than a blow-up substitute for the real thing, and that goes for Christmas trees, too. Not only that, but do you really expect all of that rubber wedged into your carry-on to survive the trip without any punctures? Neither do I.

The Magnavox Mobile911, "a must for travelers" is touted as the only product on the market that integrates the first two rules of self-defense - make a lot of noise and call for help. This $199 gadget looks a lot like a portable phone except that you can make only one call from it. With the touch of a single red button, you're connected with an emergency operator and subjected to a 95-decibel siren "so that you can bring attention to or alert others in a medical or a personal emergency."

Traveling with a cell phone - especially on a plane - is just inviting trouble, as I've noted in a previous column. I think flight attendants would be doing us all a favor if they collected the annoying portables from everyone as they boarded, just like they used to check your weapons when you entered a saloon in the Wild West.

What could be worse than sitting next to a seatmate who wants to chit-chat on a wireless? A seatmate who can't seem to figure out how to turn off that 95-decibel siren on his phone. Message to Magnavox: Lose the horn. Please.

So there you have them, the four contestants for this year's dumbest travel presents. Remember to vote early and vote often. Have a great holiday - and here's hoping none of your gifts make you crabby.

Christopher Elliott is a travel commentator and author of A Bridge to Nowhere: A Year in the Florida Keys. All e-mailed questions may be edited, condensed or republished at the site's discretion.