Spring cleaning at 36,000 feet

Ever flick that light switch above your airline seat only to discover – Oh no! – you actually pushed the “service” button?

You wait a few seconds for the annoyed flight attendant to come over and say, “Yeah, what is it?” Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours. No crew member ever shows.

It’s happened to me a time or two. Maybe I didn’t press the button hard enough, but nothing happened. That doesn’t surprise Cynthia Kane, a spokeswoman for the Association of Flight Attendants in Washington, who says she’s not familiar with any federal or airline rules that would compel a crew member to respond.

“The button,” she says, “is considered a service.”

Hmm. I’ve begun to wonder what these knobs are doing on the plane in the first place. Did the interior designers miss the whole deregulation thing, where travelers went from being treated like passengers to cargo? Of course, this begs another question:

What else is obsolete on the plane?

How about cigarette lighters? Smoking is banned on American carriers. If you want to light up, you have to fly on Aeroflot, Pakistan International Airlines or Philippine Airlines. If you fly with one of those airlines, which have less-than-stellar safety records, perhaps you ought to take up smoking, since you evidently like taking risks.

While they’re ripping out the lighters, why not pop the ashtrays out and tape over the “no smoking” lights? Those also are relics of a bygone age of air travel. Reston, Virginia, airline interior expert Heather Baldwin says carriers such as US Airways have begun doing just that.

“The light now reads ‘Please Turn Off Electronic Devices,’” she says. “It makes much more sense than a ‘No Smoking’ sign.”

Airsick bags are superfluous, too. At least that’s what Marty Becker, a veterinarian and frequent flier, thinks. “I never see anyone barfing on the airplane,” he says. “And the little wire tags at the top invariably hook on the magazine you pull out and fall to the floor.”

That’s true, but I think losing the pouches altogether is a pretty sick idea.

According to Wesley Johnson, a Howell, New Jersey, traveler who owns one of the largest private collections of airsick bags that I’ve ever seen – actually, the only collection I’ve ever seen – airlines have switched to smaller, less-fancy barf bags since deregulation. The logo-less emergency containers aren’t as collectible, but they still get the job done.

What else should go from the cabin?

- Inflight magazines. C’mon, does anyone read them anyway? Their destination puff pieces – flyweight articles that follow some airline chief executive’s ghostwritten and disingenuous editorial – are so trite and boring that passengers seem to prefer reading the terminal maps in the back section. Airlines should lose them.

- Seatback phones. They’re expensive and annoying. Not only that, but once you use them, they’re difficult to put back in their holsters. Add to that the fact that the phones aren’t all that profitable, and carriers have every reason to ditch the devices.

- Television screens. Most aircraft cabins – even in economy class – offer some kind of video screen in the seatback. But on several recent flights I’ve noticed that the difficult-to-see TV screens installed above the corridor haven’t been removed. But it gets better: On some older planes, I’m told, the movie is projected on a video screen. How retro.

By jettisoning these extraneous items (except, maybe, the barf bags) I think airlines would send us a message that they care about the aircraft insides as they do about maintaining the outside – indeed, that our comfort is as much of a concern as their corporate profits.

And just so you don’t think I’m picking on the airlines, I’ll take up the obsolescence question next week with the hotel industry. See ya then.

Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.

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