Solomangarephobia
It strikes fear in the hearts of frequent travelers. It is more stressful than forgetting your passport, more frustrating than missing a flight, more nerve-racking than trying to check into an overbooked hotel.
It is eating alone.
“I’m phobic about it,” confesses Charles Pizzo Jr., a New Orleans communications consultant. “Truly phobic. I often rent a car and head for fast food restaurants, where I don’t perceive any social stigma in dining alone…. Actually, I generally get takeout and go back to my room.”
I’m sympathetic to folks like Pizzo who suffer from this common eating disorder because I have a mild case of it myself.
Eating alone brings out the neurotic, phobic, paranoid part of me. The little voices that say, “They’re looking at you” grow louder and louder until I can’t even read the newspaper that I’m hiding behind. My dining experience becomes an outtake from a Woody Allen movie.
Jennifer Urezzio understands how we feel. A frequent solo diner in New York, she’s learned to ignore the long stares from other patrons when she requests a table for one.
“I don’t know what it is,” she says, “I mean, it’s not like I’m some kind of freak.” There’s a name for the fear of dining alone. It’s called solomangarephobia, according to celebrity psychologist Lillian Glass, and just about everyone has it. It boils down to travelers thinking that other people are looking at them, when the patrons are, in fact, focused on their food.
“It’s really a self-esteem issue,” she says.
If it is a confidence problem, then it’s exacerbated by many restaurants’ shoddy service for solo travelers. Put simply, the establishments don’t want to bother with singles because they often take up a table meant for two at only half the bill and tip.
Sharon B. Wingler, a flight attendant and author of the book Travel Alone & Love It, experienced that kind of resistance firsthand in the Greek islands a few years ago. After waiting in a long line for a seat at a highly recommended restaurant, the owner flat-out ignored her.
“Finally I said, ‘Do you have a table for one?’” she recalls. “And he said, ‘Good night.’ It was devastating. I was so humiliated.”
Not all restaurants are hostile to single customers, says Marya Charles Alexander, editor of the South Pasadena, Calif., newsletter “Solo Dining Savvy.” She notes that many establishments are installing single-friendly seating like dining counters, communal tables or cluster seats, all designed to calm even the most chronic case of solomangarephobia.
“I think the number of corporate travelers who are facing the challenge of eating alone is increasing,” she adds. “They can’t be ignored anymore.”
And, contrary to what those little voices are telling you, having people at restaurants pay attention to you isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Particularly if you can turn the tables on the staff, as Dallas-based frequent traveler Ed Trissel did on a recent trip to Houston. He just took out his notepad.
As he began jotting notes to himself, Trissel noticed that the staff perked up. They suddenly became attentive to his every need, fearing he might be a restaurant critic.
However, Vince Giandurco, himself a former restaurant critic in New York, says that tactic doesn’t always work.
“For the most part, dining alone is the pits,” he counters. “Most restaurateurs don’t go out of their way to put the lone diner at ease. They make them feel as if they are taking up too much real estate or that they are not as special as those dining in groups.”
Even if solomangarephobia isn’t curable and most restaurant staffs only exacerbate your paranoia, the phobia can be controlled.
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22 Responses to “Solomangarephobia”
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I frequently go to Thailand alone on business and eat alone often at JW Marroitt restaurants as well as many others and all I can say is I am treated like a king always by the Thai people. They once took my photograph (at the Marriott) just so the staff would recognize me and greet me by my name whenever I was in town. These people are amazing and the reason I’ll always go back and happily drop my money in their wonderful country. We westerners could learn much from their example of hospitality.
it does seem to be a self esteem problem ,how pathetic a human being are you if you can travel on your own but do not muster the ? to sit at a table and eat food? i have never in my life felt out of place by doing that. i enjoy some peace and quiet w/ a good book or enjoy the ambiance.even some nights get dressed up go to nice restaurant alone ,have confidence and all the world will treat you better. this is one reason that single women do not get better service because the server will step all over you if they think they can—–i can not picture a Greek women taking that kind of c@@@ and not making a scene for a table and getting it.
I eat alone a lot and it doesn’t bother me at all. I grab a paper or a magazine and happily read while I eat. I guess I don’t understand the issue…
This issue is akin to eating alone in the dining hall on campus in college. So many of my friends were panicked about the notion of eating alone in the dining hall. Some wouldn’t even go to the “caf” at all if they had to go alone - they would go pay for fast food or skip dinner altogether! I never thought it was a big deal because I have more self-confidence than they do/did.
Eating alone in restaurants shouldn’t be cause for alarm, either, especially while on business travel. As a diner, when I am out with friends, I never stare at lone patrons and think they’re weird for dining alone. (Most times, I don’t even notice.) I have found, though, when dining alone that when you walk in and the host asks how many and I say just one, they look at you strangely or say “oh” in an ever so slightly condescending way. People are just bizarre and too judgemental sometimes!
I usually travel alone - but the only place that I travel alone to is Walt Disney World, Florida. I love Disney World so much that I could LIVE there!
Here’s the way I look at things …. I have no children , I also have no sisters, and my brothers would never go to Disney World. Many of my closest girlfriends could not afford a Disney World vacation. My Husband is not much of a traveler.
So, I go alone. I have come to cherish my alone time. When I am in a Disney World restaurant, I don’t carry a book, or a large magazine. I don’t want to carry these things around the park. Instead, I always have my park map, and my 3X5 little notebook. If my immediate restaurant surroundings are even in the slightest bit uncomfortable, I whip out that map and notebook, and then I’m OK.
Also, when dining solo, I ALWAYS visit the rest room, before I get seated to my table. Another tip - when asked “How many?” do NOT say “Just One”. Just say “One”. I swear it makes a difference how I am treated - especially if I say “One” with confidence.
I think people are not understanding the real message. What you are clearly stating is that everyone is capable of eating alone and of course finding something to occupy your time with BUT establishments do not cater to making singles feel welcomed through pricing of meals, seating or overall environment. I believe with a lot of singles deciding to travel alone that resturants and places of business could section an area for singles who may even hook up and join each other. Never know it could become the hotest establishment in that area.
For example, I traveled one time to the islands by myself and when I went out I was constantly harassed by married men who would sneak away from their mates. You would consistently say I am not interested. Then when you are eating you would have married women looking at you as if you were trying to take their men. If I did not bring one with me obviously I did not want theirs.
I would never go back to my room to eat I enjoyed the area and if i had to go to anything alone I did. I met a wonderful man from the island who showed me everything. It was a great time.
But resturants really need to invest in singles sections and business would be booming.
I eat out alone all the time in the States, and I don’t care who likes it. But I noticed the first time I went abroad and I had to go alone because everyone back home was too chicken or broke to go with me, I found the first night eating alone was hard. The magnitude of being alone in a foreign country, Egypt, was momentarily scary, and I assumed it was just a part of initial culture shock. After that, I have felt the same as I do in the States and eat out alone with no issue. I haven’t had terrible experiences with staff regarding my solo travel, and in fact in the hotel restaurant in Tokyo that went to every night after sightseeing, I had a really nice waiter who taxed his English to the maximum by asking me every night where I went sightseeing that day and what I thought about his country. I was sure to complement them on their thoughtfulness. I’ve only ever had one staff member anywhere have anything to say about my eating alone, and I just gave her a dirty look. As for men thinking you’re available because you eat alone, one of the best tips I ever got was from a travel guide on Egypt years ago that suggested single women traveling alone always wear a fake wedding band and carry the picture of a male friend to give the impression she is married and he is waiting for her somewhere if the need arises.
Wow, I’ve travelled and eaten alone many times and never once thought of it as an issue. Who hatches these idiots who pass judgement on single diners? We have to eat. And what kind of tip would the wait staff expect if they mistreat you?
As a frequent business traveler, I find myself dining alone often. Usually it is not that big of a thing. I have a book or check my Blackberry when eating.
What I hate is when they say I have to eat at the bar. When they state that, I respond “No. I want a table”. If they say that the tables are for couples, I have been known to say, in a loud voice, “Your restaurant practices discrimination? How awful!” Then walk out
Another tactic is to say you are a part of a couple and the other person is joining you soon. About five minutes after you are seated, tell the waiter that your friend just texted you and cannot make it.
There are some upscale restaurants (I won’t mention names) that refuse to seat single patrons. That’s wrong on so many levels
To be honest, I’m amazed by this article. I often travel alone either on business or vacation and have never felt badly treated as a single woman. Some restaurants helpfully offer a newspaper and in others, I’ve had waiters be very attentive since I’m on my own. One writer commented about poor service in Greece. I was in Athens in a family restaurant and the owners kept checking to see if I liked their food. They couldn’t have been nicer!
I often read that single travelers get the worst hotel rooms or the worst service in restaurants and maybe I’m clueless, but I’ve never noticed a problem–either within or outside the United States. I think the issue may be confidence–if you’re nervous and panicky about being solo, others probably notice and take advantage accordingly.
I fall into the camp of people who despise eating alone in public, to the point where I hate doing it in fast food joints. I don’t really feel *ashamed* of being along, I just really have this abstract dislike and avoid it whenever possible.
I can’t speak for everyone, but when I was growing up eating out was a very social event. You were either celebrating something special or catching up with friends. If I’m not being social when I’m eating, I rather order room service or get a to-go order.
I dine alone frequently and enjoy sitting at the bar. I get far better service than if I were at a table. (And I don’t have to worry about reservations!) I have had some wonderful conversations with the bartenders and with other patrons (who are also dining alone). Be proud that you have the confidence to dine alone - maybe those staring are actually jealous of you.
It’s not discrimination to refuse to seat a single diner at your restaurant. It’s a business decision. Some businesses choose to do so, and others don’t. We as consumers vote with our wallets and our feet. What’s the point of forcing your way into a restaurant where you are not wanted? I’ve always just gone and eaten elsewhere. There’s normally plenty of other places to eat at, and one always has the hotel dining room as a last restort. I’ve never had any problems getting a single table in a hotel restaurant.
Sometimes I bring a book. Sometimes I’ll look to see if anyone else is dining solo and ask if I can join them (paying my own bill, of course) or ask anyone coming in if they’d like to join me. I’m not a bar fan because I dislike a lot of noise. If I’m going to eat at the same place for a couple days, I make sure I get to know the waitstaff.
Good lord, what is WRONG with people who can’t feed themselves in public alone without turning into quivering balls of paranoia?
There’s nothing wrong with preferring eating out as a “social” thing, but people who express such desperate fear of it seriously need therapy. No one is staring at you. No one is judging you. And any person who is…well, they’ve got bigger problems than you ever will, and you can snicker to yourself about what sad lives they must lead if they’ve got nothing better to do at a restaurant than judge a stranger.
I’m a young single woman, and see no reason why I should confine myself to Ramen noodles in shame at home until I can find someone to babysit me in a restaurant. Once in awhile somebody remarks on my eating alone, and in response, I ignore them, stare in disbelief and ask, “why would you say something like that to a stranger?”, or laugh at them, depending on how obnoxious they are.
Everyone involved (both the solo diners and those who see fit to comment on it) needs to get over it.
Thank you, my solo diners! I wait tables a somewhat high-end restaurant in Beverly Hills. Some of the best clients are travelers who dine alone. Their order tally tends to be about 3X what they spend when dining with the family or a friend. My solo business person will have an appetizer, an entree and a desert and coffee drink FAR more often than my party of four out for a casual dinner. The tips tend to be more generous, too.
So I work as hard for the tip from my solo diner as I do for my deuces? Absolutely. Sometimes harder; they’re more interested in intelligent conversation then the couple on leave from the screaming kids and the babysitter.
Aw a food service worker, I have no problems with dining alone. Though, I do tip a bit better if the Server/staff treats me like a priority, along the same lines as the six-person group across the way.
Dandemain, I wish you would name some names of these restaurants that refuse to seat single diners. While it’s certainly not illegal discrimination (not all discrimination is illegal), I would like to know so I don’t go there and waste my time where I’m not wanted. I’m sure my fellow single/solo diners would like the information also.
I really don’t understand the paranoia about eating alone. I also enjoy going to movies by myself. I don’t always share the same tastes as some of my friends so if I waited for one of them to see a movie I wanted to see, I’d be waiting a loooong time. I don’t usually listen to Dr. Phil but my favorite quote from him is, “You wouldn’t care so much about what other people think about you if you knew how little they did.” I try to remember this when I get a little paranoid.
On the other hand, just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get me! :D
I’m glad I don’t mind dining alone, as I’m single and generally eat out alone. My only problem is with tapas and fondue places, which seem to have menus designed for two people. I’d love to go to one.
I am always alone not because I want to be but because I have been single most of my adult life. Most of the time when I eat out at either fast food or any restaurant, I am asked is —-Is it for here or to go–. I usually am on the bus and say….I am on the bus and no one is allowed to eat on the bus so I guess it is for here. Another common question is —Will there be anything else– Granted, I weigh 137 pounds, far less that the average US female of 164, so I answer–Am I that big! I usually have to sit at a table for 4 because the restaurant business has not caught on that there are 45 million single Americans. I have been asked to move to another table. When that happens, I will get up and leave. Most of the time, I will usually just sit and eat because I figure I am also paying for the meal like the other customers with a partner or family.
It’s encouraging to know that there’s actually a word for this common “condition.” But it’s less encouraging to see that whoever coined it had to resort an awkward hybrid of Greek and Italian rather than consulting a licensed classicist to devise an appropriate Greek term. I guess we’re stuck with it, since the correct Greek term would probably be much harder to spell and pronounce.
In just over two decades of solo travel, I have experienced restaurants that flat-out refuse to take reservations for one. And more commonly, those that take the more subtle approach of letting me wait while they greet and seat couples and families who arrived after I did, until I finally get the message that they really don’t want my business. I suppose this is purely a matter of short-sighted “economics.” Since they have no way of charging solo diners a punitive “single supplement” like the rest of the travel industry, why should they waste a perfectly good two-top on someone who will generate only half the revenue for both the restaurant owner and the wait staff?
That overt discrimination is fortunately uncommon, and apparently confined to tourist areas where only couples and families normally venture. Much more common is simple ignorant insensitivity. First the host, upon seeing me walk in alone, says “Only one?” Or he or she says nothing until I finally admit that I’m a “party of one.” Then after I’m seated at a table with two (or more) settings, a busboy comes by and asks “Will someone be joining you?” before whisking away the unused settings. While none of that is intended to discriminate or humiliate, it does send the message that I’m aberrant or somehow different from normal customers. After a while that’s bound to give many people solomangarephobia.
I deal with the condition by eating my main meal at lunch. For some reason (perhaps because they’re used to business travelers eating alone) I find a solo lunch much more comfortable than dinner, even in an “upscale” restaurant. It’s also cheaper. Then I have a picnic dinner from a supermarket, either “al fresco” or in my room. That saves me money, discomfort, and calories.
If I am going to have dinner in a restaurant, I get there when the place opens (at 5 or so in the US, probably later elsewhere). The staff may be more willing to serve a solo diner at a table that would otherwise be empty than one who arrives later and presumes to waste half the value of a table. Another approach is to choose a hotel restaurant that commonly serves business travelers who often eat alone. The staff provide better service because they don’t see a “party of one” as an aberration or a waste. That’s not always a practical option, but it’s one way to increase the chance of enjoying a comfortable dinner.
I do agree that confidence is probably an effective treatment for solomangarephobia. Walking into a restaurant and confidently announcing to the host “I’m looking forward to a nice dinner by myself tonight!” instead of dejectedly saying “just one” may make a world of difference.
Before retiring I travelled frequently on business, which meant eating out alone. I found that it worked well to say to the host/hostess “one for dinner” . If they tried to steer me to a less desirable table I might say, “Since I’m dining alone, I really would like a table by the window,” or something similar which always got me a nice table. I never felt uncomfortable being a single diner (still don’t). And I don’t recall getting poor service because I was “just one”.
Ladies, you think you have problems now; wait ’til you are over 50. All kinds of lame assumptions are made. At least no-one eyes me as if I were an escort (in a business suit?) anymore! I guess Texas is full of them…
When I do go out alone (my husband works late hours at a hospital) I am sometimes invisible to the entire staff. It shouldn’t require becoming a toothpaste commercial to get public service.
More than once I’ve had to point out to some bimbo, m/f, that I have been standing there the whole time and it’s about time I get the same service that people behind me are getting. They avoid eye contact. Servers, m/f, assume there is someone else coming and keep walking by.
Of course I vote with my dollars, and am a great tipper for great people-pleasers (been there myself). I checked and all my female friends do as well. It is, after all, the “hospitality” business.
But I go one further. The ease of e-mail like this has made it very simple to get straight to the boss, AND their boss. Even the local restaurant critics. It helps to be very specific. I do keep in mind that anyone can have a bad night. But I point out that there are many rating systems set up that are read by potential customers all over the world. When I am treated well, I make sure many people who are always here in Seattle know. If I have the right to complain, I have the opportunity to compliment.
Let’s not forget that the struggle for civil rights involved a lunch counter at Woolworth’s. They are out of business. And while I still do not have the rights that black men do now (see “Constitution”) sometimes I wonder if some looting and burning would make a difference with these sexist little tyrants. Do it online!!!
Bon Appetit