Avoid white elephants

David Kemp dreads the holidays. Not because they’re among the busiest travel times of the year, or because it’s often rainy and cold in Atlanta, where he works.

It’s the presents. To understand why, just listen to what the vice president of national sales for US Franchise Systems found under his Christmas tree last year.

“I’ve got at least eight travel clocks, about 300 pens and more than 400 calendars,” the frequent traveler complains. “They’re stored in a closet at home. If you ever want one, just let me know.”

Don’t let this happen to you or the traveler in your life. Take the advice of Baltimore sales consultant Joyce Baker instead. “Travelers want something practical for the holidays,” she says. “Something they can use over and over again. And it helps to be creative.”

Get that? No more socks, ties, shirts or perfume. Please, no calendars or daytimers. Pretty please, no pens or travel clocks. Think differently.

But don’t get too creative. There’s a minefield of useless gifts out there, like, for instance, the Colibri SST Quantum Tank, a $60 cigar cutter that doubles as a butane lighter. And what a lighter it is: windproof and flameless, this Panzer ignites with the intensity of a jet engine. “Perfect for the business traveler,” says fittingly-named company spokesman Dante Bellini Jr.

Uh huh. While this stainless-steel toy may be perfect for the smoking room in your home, it’s not going anywhere on your next trip. Knowing how touchy the security guards at airports are, you’d be arrested in no time flat for trying to carry a lethal weapon on board. Trust me, this isn’t something to fly with unless you like being interrogated by security guards.

Another troublesome holiday gift is Seiko’s new Daily Insights Calendar alarm clock (price: $25). It looks harmless enough, with its slim black casing and LCD display of day, time and date. But the gadget wakes you up with a beep-beep-beep followed by a trivia question – on sports, golf, cats or Bible verses. Seiko spokeswoman Jennifer Brannon believes the feature makes this travel clock irresistible for travelers.

I beg to differ. Mine heralded me at 5 a.m. yesterday with a query about who upset Steffi Graf to win the gold medal in tennis at the 1992 Olympics. At that hour, I didn’t know and I didn’t care. (Answer, in case you’re wondering, is Jennifer Capriati.) This isn’t the kind of annoyance you need your next time out, especially if it’s an important business trip.

Some of the more bizarre offerings are found in those catalogs tucked into the seat-pocket in front of you on flights. I found one gem, the EarPops, in the SkyMall catalog. These lightweight fleece earmuffs – no unsightly band to mat down your hair – go for $7.50 each.

Then there’s the Traveler Pro Series Guitar. If you find one of these under the tree, you know your loved one has really lost it. Billed as “a hybrid of technology and tradition,” this 28-inch-long instrument looks kind of like a compact electric guitar.

Plug it in and choose between acoustic or electric pick-ups, or a blend of both for “truly unique sounds.” The guitar can be had for $500. Hey, I’m not opposed to occasionally breaking out in song, but don’t you think it’s better to celebrate an upgrade by plucking the air guitar?

Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.

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