The Transportation Security Administration doesn’t like pie in the sky. We kinda suspected that after the low-rated government agency issued new guidelines on food items that could be brought onboard. Now comes a firsthand report of TSA sillyness that, if nothing else, will make you laugh out loud.
It comes by way of Jessica Bruder, a writer for the Portland Oregonian who flew to Illinois over the Thanksgiving holiday and almost had her apple pie confiscated by a federal screener.
After putting her dish through the conveyor belt, the interrogation began:
“Are you the pie lady?” the agent demanded.
Standing there in orange polka-dot socks, jeans inching down my hips, I nodded soberly. He indicated we’d have more to talk about on the far side of the metal detector.
When my pie emerged, the questions began.
“What kind of pie is that?” He squinted at the pan.
“Apple. With some raspberries.”
“Does it have lumps?”
I glanced at the crust, which was black in places and looked like a topographical rendering of the Himalayas. (To think I was trying to impress my boyfriend’s parents in Illinois with this thing.)
Why is the TSA down on holiday pies? Turns out it some pies are, indeed, “dangerous,” according to her agent.
He told me he was keeping watch for pies with cream and custard fillings. Anything that could be construed as a “gel.” He’d already turned away a pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin pie filling, he confided, “has the same consistency as certain plastic explosives.”
Have the terrorists begun baking combustible pies? I doubt it.
Rather, I think the agency is putting on a show for travelers who fly only once or twice a year. The message: the $4.7 billion of taxpayer money is being well spent to protect you.
From exploding pies.
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{ 109 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel so protected now that some weenie in DC is sitting around worrying about plastic explosive in baked pumpkin pies . . . idiots. If we make the effort in sealing the borders and keeping the scumbags OUT of the country, then we have a lot less to worry about. Wil we EVER see a threat level of green in our lifetimes. Think of the effect on the rent-a-cop business – the glut of barely training and marginally intelligent would drive prices down so far that we’d need a terrorist attack to bring about full employment at fair wages in that industry.
This has been going on since right after sept 11…they are morons. I was taking a pie out for a friend and they asked what I had in the bag. Evidently taking anything outside of your clothes/toiletries sets off an alarm.
99% of the TSA workers are way under qualified to be police officers, so why can they work TSA? They are generally miserable people who laud having that once of power to assert over people. It’s definitely a “trickle down” ideology. Put a complete moron who treats everyone like crap in office, and everyone under him will do the same.
I actually did laugh out loud. Pumpkin pie has the same consistency as gell explosives. Hysterical :).
All this scare mongering doesn’t help, won’t work, doesn’t make the country safer.
Any real threat is not going to come through the security blanket of the TSA, it’s going to come through the Mexican border, that has about as much security as Windows 95.
The real tragedy is that all these invasive tactics are used against the American people for threats that are too minute to measure.
If America was really that concerned about the well-being of its citizens, it would have comprehensive health care [not insurance, actual health -care-] for every American. Thousands of Americans die every day for lack of proper health care. Terrorism by comparison is a mere inconvenience [but it certainly does look spectacular].
If I never go the US again, as long as they work to combine Nazi camps with Soviet-type border control, it’ll be too soon. You don’t need my money, your economy is doing just fine as it is [minus a screaming economic disaster here and there].
What about the liver? Its consistency is very much like gel.
… and if you ask the Boston police, lite-brites, play-doh, or just anything with wires “has the same consistency” as a real ‘device’.
They’re MAGIC raspberries! LOLOLOL. I swear I’d have been tempted to say it.
I flew from BHM to DEN in 2004 and in the line at BHM, the TSA agent found a pair of these little, teeeeeny manicure scissors in my carryon. I’d forgotten they were in there. They were from a Lancome nail care kit I got free with a makeup purchase. The blades were like a quarter of an inch long, and it would have taken about three days of dedicated sawing to break the skin, let alone actually HURT someone. They wouldn’t cut sewing thread!
The TSA agent obviously had washed out of the police academy and decided to take this career route, mostly, I suspect, so he could wear a “yooneeforum” (e.g. Ernest T. Bass from Andy Griffith). Anyway, he barked at me about the scissors. I was like, “You’ve GOT to be kidding. Those?” Fortunately, my uncle was waiting on me to clear security and came and got them, chuckling all the way.
Know what I forgot was in my bag and they DIDN’T catch? A little can of pepper spray. My final destination was Reno. They didn’t catch it in RNO when I returned, either.
The technical term for all this nonsense, I believe, is “straining flies and swallowing camels.”
The story did make me laugh, though. Thanks for sharing it, Christopher! Merry Christmas!
I just traveled last weekend and flew right through security.
I was worried that during my return home I would be asked to empty out my laptop bag. In my rush to make my flight I threw all six electronic devices I had, along with all the cords, accessories, and headphones into the same pocket in a big tangled mess.
TSA didn’t blink an eye at my mess but I thought as I was getting on the plane that if anything looked like a bomb it would by my cord and device mess.
They didn’t stop me at all…
Makes me worried that you guys are getting stopped for scissors while a mess of cords and wires blazes right through.
Oh how I hate the TSA. You can express your extreme distaste for those asshats with power with the “F*ck the TSA” gear at Offensively Binary. You’ll chuckle to yourself the next time you’re in line knowing your shirt spells out how you really feel with a bunch of 1’s and 0’s,
http://www.cafepress.com/offbinary/2179376
Long live freedom!
You are giving all of us at al queda headquarters these fabulous ideas. Merry Christmas! Now you die. Hahaha. or shall i say lalala.
You are giving all of us at our super secret al queda base some fabulous ideas this yule time season. Thanks! Happy Christmas, you pals at al queda. ho ho ho or shall i say lalala. Halal meat pies for everyone!
Times haven’t changed much. I recall going through customs with some spectacular salami from Europe. The kind you can’t even dream of getting over in the States. A little befuddled by the customs notice, I inquired if the salami, wrapped in plastic, perfectly cured, was acceptable. No – they confiscated it. Fools. I’m sure they were all sitting around snacking on that wonderful salami.
And now, they can add some nice cakes and things
Oh pie lady, if I worked for TSA, I would have demanded to screen a slice of your pie with coffee. Then you’d have a whole new something to complain about. Chubby the screener, with his official TSA cutlery. I would vote for Putin if he’d promised to restore our TSA and borders. Also I want revenge. Bush should be sentenced to spend the rest of his life in an endless airport security line.
On the other hand, maybe these six years of airport hell will make people less like spoiled brats at the airport and appreciate airport authority when it finally gets restored to it’s orignal form.
There will always be a bad apple or two (no pun intended) in ANY organization. Sure, this pie business seems rediculous, but she did get the pie through, and really, how many people carry a PIE on an airplane? I travel quite a bit and it seems TSA has become somewhat more efficient and courteous. They have received complaints and bad press and now it seems they are trying to improve. Overall I really don’t have any major complaints with them and hopefully it stays that way.
Oh, thank god! I feel MUCH safer!
Hey, a C-4 pie in the face, however comical, is no laughing matter. (even when it is).
I’m flying somewhere in a few days. I for one find it interesting the deputized police officers cannot do random bag searches at the local baseball park. Non-government employees have to do it because of constitutional issues.
Yet, the TSA has no such constitutional qualms with every unreasonable search and seizure they do.
Airport security was good and legal until they became government employees.
Oh Lord, What next?
This is a good thing!
Your inaccurate generalizations are not.
You said:
“Have the terrorists begun baking combustible pies?”
–You’d never know the difference between a pumpkin pie and plastic explosives in the shape of a pumpkin pie, until it detonated.
“I think the agency is putting on a show for travelers who fly only once or twice a year”
Yeah, because the infrequent flyers have a majority influence when it comes to FAA/Homeland Security policy
“The message: the $4.7 billion of taxpayer money is being well spent to protect you. From exploding pies.”
…YES!!!! Among many OTHER viable threats. It’s not WHAT explodes, it’s THAT it explodes! Unless I missed the rule book for terrorism with explicit instructions that all exploding devices are round in front, fins on the rear and ACME on the side
Quit thinking in the box
oh c’mon, perhaps it’s just about free pie and this guy likes pumpkin.
happy holidays.
I fly from PDX all the time. they always freak out about the most innocent things going throuh security
Hank,
Any real threat is most likely NOT gonna come through the Mexican border, no matter how much you hear about it in the racist right-wing media (the Scary Brown People Theory).
I don’t know how familiar you are with Mexican ways, but if you’ve ever spent any length of time in Mexico (and I’m not talking about Cancun or any of the major resorts) you’ll know precisely what I mean.
What a lot of smart people don’t realize is that it would be practically impossible for would be terrorists to go through any major, or even minor, Mexican entry port unnoticed. The Mexicans are highly sensitive to foreigners in their own country for reasons of population homogeneity and a very unique language nuance, brought by centuries of Nahuatl linguistic influences that are not easily duplicated outside of Mexico, which make foreigners with even mildly exotic looks or accents instantly stand out from the crowds.
Also, there is the issue of military presence along transportation routes, due to the increase in narcotics-related violence in Mexico. If you’ve ever driven along any major Mexican highway I’m sure you’ll remember very peculiar details, such as Mexican Army and Marines (Ejercito y Armada) checkpoints. Try going through one of these unnoticed and unstopped.
In short, a terrorist attack coming from Mexico will happen only when Microsoft decides to revert back to Windows 95 after coming to the realization that Vista, well… sucks!
Obviously, in an ideal world we would not even need security. However, you must realize that this is not an ideal world – human nature is not perfect. There are people that want to kill and cause harm.
Now, if someone wanted to bring a bomb onboard a plane, how would they do that? Our security measures should be updated enough so that someone cannot just carry onboard a basic homemade bomb. This is why we have seen bombs in shoes, fluids in water bottles, gels in inconspicuous containers. IF We ONLY GUARD AGAINST THE OBVIOUS, THEN WE ARE IDIOTS. Although questioning a pie might seem ridiculous, if you wanted to smuggle a bomb into the airport you would have to be very creative.
I applaud the TSA for being creative in their security. Just think about it: if pumpkin pie does have the same consistency as an explosive substance and security did not check for it, then isn’t it logical that someone could bring an explosive substance disguised as a pie? This is why it is important to always try to think one step ahead, even if it does seem absurd, because if the person behind you was carrying a bomb in a pie crust and was caught, I don’t think you would be writing in the same tone.
It is disappointing that people like you like to complain. No, I don’t like getting to the airport early and having to wait through security checks either. However, if it makes my flight safer, they I don’t mind at all. I would rather wait and be annoyed than be blown up in midair. Wouldn’t you?
TSA is a federal attempt at solving a huge problem: how do you assure some zealot doesn’t hijack/crash an airplane. It is an incredibly complex and difficult problem to solve. There are a multitude of problems that arise. One principle is not to assume that terrorists are idiots. Things that look like household products can crash a plane. You cannot seal the borders completely. So, if you have constructive ideas on better ways to do things, write to TSA, your congressman, your senator, and the president. I’ve seen TSA staffers get yelled at for asking women to remove their coats. I have had terrific customer service from one TSA staffer. It runs the full spectrum from bad to excellent. At the end of the day, you may think they are lame, but it is a hard problem.
Obviously, in an ideal world we would not even need security. However, you must realize that this is not an ideal world – human nature is not perfect. There are people that want to kill and cause harm.
Now, if someone wanted to bring a bomb onboard a plane, how would they do that? Our security measures should be updated enough so that someone cannot just carry onboard a basic homemade bomb. This is why we have seen bombs in shoes, fluids in water bottles, gels in inconspicuous containers. IF We ONLY GUARD AGAINST THE OBVIOUS, THEN WE ARE IDIOTS. Although questioning a pie might seem ridiculous, if you wanted to smuggle a bomb into the airport you would have to be very creative.
I applaud the TSA for being creative in their security. Just think about it: if pumpkin pie does have the same consistency as an explosive substance and security did not check for it, then isn’t it logical that someone could bring an explosive substance disguised as a pie? This is why it is important to always try to think one step ahead, even if it does seem absurd, because if the person behind you was carrying a bomb in a pie crust and was caught, I don’t think you would be writing in the same tone.
It is disappointing that people like you like to complain. No, I don’t like getting to the airport early and having to wait through security checks either. However, if it makes my flight safer, they I don’t mind at all. I would rather wait and be annoyed than be blown up in midair. Wouldn’t you?
Apple pie. THEY’RE TAKING AWAY APPLE PIE.
NO PIE, NO PEACE
KNOW PIE, KNOW PEACE
Good Job TSA!
Everyone knows food has a 50/50% chance of being confiscated if its in your carry-on luggage.
is the Joker flying the unfriendly skys now, lol
Cause only a clown like him would think up an ACTUAL exploding cream pie!
Fuck
The
TSA.
The US Government is the best-funded most-effective terrorist organization ever implemented.
If it wasn’t for 9/11, those TSA clowns would still be working in Walmart…
So what will they turn away next? A chocolate bar with caramel filling because it can be used as an explosive gel? It’s getting a bit toooooooo strict, don’t ya think?
You people are amazing! I bet you all fly once a year too! I fly every week. EVERY week people! I HAVE NO ISSUES at the security checkpoint. Why? I DON’T BRING ANY DAMN FOOD OR DRINKS! I pack any thing that’s not 3-1-1 in checked bags or I DON’T BRING IT! You people with your pies and foolishness like that are the reason lines are so long and so slow. I speed right on through and with more than 98,000 mi flown this year over 72 segments NEVER have I been stopped or had an issue.
This is the way it is now people so get used to it. I can see all of you someday posting ‘OMG the terrorists got past TSA with explosive pies!’ if that ever happened. You would all be posting the same ‘wasted 4 billion on airport security defeated using a pie’.
I think the TSA stuff is a pain, I often think they go a bit overboard, but I feel safer flying as much as I do, and knowing the rules I simply follow them and move on.
Besides, anyone that would take an Apple pie on a plane, with baggage sliding around the overhead bin, or a leg moving under the seat, is nuts anyway.
So give me a break…go sell crazy someplace else where all full here…
Since airplane-based terror attacks are such an imminent threat, why not confiscate all the passengers’ clothes and belongings and issue them paper gowns to wear aboard their flights? After all, these will speed up the cavity searches and shorten the lines for all. I’m sure we’ll all feel safer knowing the passengers next to us aren’t going to murder us all at 30,000 feet.
Or, you could just not allow anyone aboard an airplane for any reason. If we have to check everyone to make extra-special sure they’re not going to hijack and crash the plane into an office building, allowing people to board airplanes is just asking for trouble.
looks like the tsa is leaving comments bryan and common sense same post nice. so i take it dave is with them as well. you have bathed in the koolaide a little too much. dont know if you “3″ know this or not but there has not been one confirmed liquid bomb found on a plane or in possession of anyone “planning” an attack. nor a gel bomb. the shoebomb was proven to never be able to work and if it did it wouldn’t have caused any damage. was a looser wanna be. but fauxnews said it was so so it must be. I always love the timing of those so called eminent threats notice now that theres a lame duck in the house they suddenly wained. well that and others started talking about it.
If someone wants to take down an AC they will take down an AC. The 9/11 was not about taking down AC, it was about terrorism and the terrorist message. It worked. Oddly enough, if everyone had just closed the damn doors as they had to learn to do in the 70’s when AC were being hijacked, we wouldn’t be reading this lament now. The TSA peole are doing what you, the public, want them to do. And you the public, are doing what terrorists want you to do. Fear leads to indecision. Political correctness leads to indecision. Lack of will leads to indecision. How can an indecisive nation blame the poor SOB who was told to look for everything, miss nothing, and don’t make a mistake or 5 levels of audit will pick up on it?
Relax, this is what you all wanted.
You got it.
I’m sure this pie lady’s family would be the first to sue the TSA if the plane had been taken down by some terrorist’s container of hummus. Why would you even try to bring a pie on a plane? What part of liquid/paste do you not understand? I’m sure the other frequent flyers enjoyed waiting for you….
These guys were actually doing a good job, you should be very happy with them for once…
@Jeffesters… you’re right. She’s probably just lucky she didn’t get shot or tased, showing up at the airport with a pie. Clearly a sign of a terrorist-minded person.
Well I can see how the top of a pie could be baked and put on top.
I’m not certain we should be allowed to take food on flights anyhow.
My first encounter with the TSA summed up what to expect from this organisation, it was in Hawai’i my first time on US soil and went like this:
me : ” so what does TSA stand for?”
TSA dude: “i’m not really sure, transport safety organisation i think?”
it was all downhill from there!
Let’s put things into perspective. Absolutely zero terrorist attacks have been thwarted by the TSA and their airport security goons. These crazy rules have done nothing but increase sales of small toiletries etc…
On the other hand, the world’s secretive intelligence services have stopped all terror attacks in recent years, except for the 9/11 attacks here and the 7/7 bombings in London.
This is why I just don’t fly anymore. Sorry folks, if it’s too far to drive, I don’t go
Death by Apple Pie. You guys scare, I’m about to start traveling a lot with my job and I’m afraid to face that kinda crap. Will my left-leaning books on politics or on atheism be an issue in such a paranoid country?
I really wish there were options when buying plane tickets. You know how they’ve got smoking/non-smoking sections in restaurants? Why not “terrorist-minimized” and “hassle free.”
It’d be great to let the market decide and see which wins out. Do Americans need a big scary government to look over them and keep them safe or can we deal with our own problems such as the 0.0001% chance that someone crazy will try to kill you… (Remember there are ~30,000,000 people on anti-depressants and apparently 5%-6% of those people can have uncontrollable bouts of psychosis at anytime. Take a look at all the school shootings if you want an example)
Robert J. Palmer, that is probably the best national security idea I have heard in the past 6 years.
I think it’s funny the amount of people posting on here slanting it to their own messed up view of how to handle the situation.
Lots of Ron Paul supporters on here, if you read carefully between the lines of some of the posts. “Close the Mexican border and it would make us 1,000x safer!” “It’d be great to let the market decide and see which wins out!”
No, closing the Mexican border would do nothing. The terrorists got into the country through standard, normal American procedures. They always have, and they will do so again. They were given VISAs to be working and studying in the US, by the US. They didn’t just hop in a truck and drive into Texas/Arizona nor did they get on a raft from Cuba.
Slanting the argument to your racist agenda is pathetic and precisely the reason there are people that wish to see the downfall of this nation in the first place!
In response to the person about the government, which has little to no relevance to this argument in the way that you have slanted it, is something worth FIGHTING for. A Representative Democracy is something I would prefer to have rather than any other type of government. Yes, there are problems with the way it’s currently implemented. Yes, there are people in our government that abuse it. But just remember, these people change. They have grown up from different areas. They have entirely different views of the world. Arnold is from Austria and he is the governor of CA, for example.
Our government helps to prevent things such as “ruling families”. Father/son has happened numerous times, but it’s definitely not over the span of hundreds of years of leadership by one ruler.
A Representative Democracy and the principle it serves is something worth fighting for. You can deal with the people that abuse it later.
Well, there are explosives that have a gel consistency. The reason that no terrorist has tried is BECAUSE they are taking these measures.
The U.S. government is not all bad. If you don’t like it, move to Canada.
Everyone bitches until the day someone DOES put explosive gel in a pie. Then everyone will bitch the TSA did not do enough to prevent it. It is a no win situation so shut and or don’t fly.
Don’t bring pies on planes….. flying is nice, it’s cheap and gets you there fast. Why do you need to bring a pie with you on a flight you fucking dumb bitch?
Yup, definitely move to Canada. It’s nice here. Nate and Blade don’t live here. We don’t have TSA Nazis at the airports, and we’re generally well-liked in the international community. If you get sick over Christmas, you can travel to any hospital or doctor that you’d like and get treated – without having to figure out how you’re going to pay for it all.
Our winters can be cold, but if you live somewhere like Vancouver then they’re not a big deal at all. We don’t have a George W. Bush in office … we do have one of his fanclub members, but he doesn’t have much power here in Canada. Our version of your DMCA has been turned down two times (and likely a third time in the New Year).
Nate, I’m sure you meant the move to Canada comment in an insulting fashion, but really, it’s a smart idea for anyone in the US who doesn’t like what their country is turning into.
You folks are missing the point. TSA isn’t about security, it’s about conditioning the populace to put up with any kind of orders from “authority”.
PDX is the worse for screening. You better be there 2 hours prior…the TSA are slow, and the machines are set way too high!!! Some change in your pocket will set the alarms off.
TSA also has a device called an ion scanner. It can be used to swab an item to check for explosives. They also have one that acts as a nose and sniffs the things that cannot be swabbed. Maybe we need to explain to the TSA agent how to use their own equipment. Then we can enjoy our pies in peace.