A Crabby Manifesto

Remember The Crabby Traveler? If you were online back in 1997, you probably do. Crabby was ABCNews.com’s number-two rated column (behind its sex-advice feature) for four years running.

I’ve archived many of these stories on my site under the heading The Travel Critic, because … well, I am The Crabby Traveler.

Crabby loved travel but hated traveling because, let’s face it, most passengers were treated like cargo. They still are.

Readers adored El Crabbo. “A gem of a column,” raved blogger Dack Ragus in 1999, before there even were bloggers.

Hotel columnist Toni Giovanetti called Crabby a “a no-holds barred columnist.”

That may have been an understatement.

Among some of the most memorable columns: an early swipe at legroom issues (and who can forget the sequel to that one?), creative delays, and banning babies on planes.

So what happened to Crabby?

In 2000, he jumped to CNN.com and renamed the column “Going Off.” It was a disastrous move that I regretted almost immediately, and the result was a tepid feature that expired less than one year later.

A lot of people thought the death of Crabby was a good thing. Crabby was irascible and immature. Plus, he wasn’t “advertiser-friendly.”

Indeed, after Crabby croaked, my career took off. The media outlets got bigger. But the writing — I have to be totally honest here — became much less engaging, honest … less fun.

And that’s a shame.

I can’t bring Crabby back. But his spirit lives on. It is in that spirit that I have come up with a Crabby Manifesto. Here are the guiding principles of The Crabby Traveler — and they live on in other columns and on travel blogs.

The 60s are, like, over. The travel industry continues to advertise its products as if it’s the 1960s, before the airline industry was deregulated and when customer services still meant something. Do they think we’re stupid? (Yes, they do.)

Believe nothing they say. Whether it’s a low-price guarantee or a pledge to compensate you for a mechanical delay, you have to assume that they are hiding behind some legalese, if not lying altogether. It’s just what they do.

Be on the traveler’s side. But remember that the customer isn’t always right (and when he isn’t, don’t be afraid to say so). Also, steer clear of freebies, comps, press trips and anything else that might compromise your position as a columnist.

Write every column as if it’s your last story. Online travel columns are, by their very nature, short-term things. Four years is an eternity on the Web. A year is half a lifetime. If you have a platform, use it for the good of the traveling public and never ever recycle your work. There’s no time for that.

Fear nothing. The Crabby Traveler was an equal opportunity offender. He never stopped to think of what might happen to his career if he wrote something that ruffled feathers at an airline, hotel, cruise line or car rental company.

Christopher Elliott is the author of Scammed: How to Save Your Money and Find Better Service in a World of Schemes, Swindles, and Shady Deals. Critics have called it “eye-opening” and “inspiring” — it’ll “grab your attention and won’t let go.” Order your copy now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble or iTunes.

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